Well, since my posts for the last few days or so have been very vague, I thought I'd take some time and let you in on what has been going on. For aparent reasons, I don't feel like I can come out and write about everything, seeing as some stuff are rather personal, and this is a public blog, but I thought that I'd at least give you some insight.
So here we go ...
This week we started the sociology-part of the course, which is what I'm mostly interested in. We have this wonderful teacher, I've had him before, and even though things didn't exactly start out perfect this semester, I was really looking forward to this part of the course. Until about 10 minutes in on the first lecture, when the teacher starts telling us what is going to happen. It's a bit complicated to explain everything we have to do, let's just say it involves a lot, but the main part of the course (which is apart from the big examination assignment we'll do at the end of the course!) is what our teacher referred to as "student-lectures" ... we each have to be responsible for one chapter in a book, and then give a lecture on that chapter .... "I think I speak for everyone here when I say, huh??!!??" Talk about instant panic!! I haven't done an oral presention in almost ten years, and after being diagnosed with Social Phobia, this is not what you want to hear!
This has been causing most of my anxiety for the last few days, naturally, but there are other things that have been very confusing too - things that I don't really feel comfortable discussing here. Needless to say, my life has been a roller-coaster. Some things have turned out so great, that I find myself constantly wondering if they actually happened, or if they were just one of my day-dreams! Other things have gone completely insane, which for one thing has meant that I haven't quite had the oportunity to be really happy about the things that did go well, and on the other hand, has left me feeling completely confused! During one day, or maybe just four or five hours of one day, I can have three things that have turned out totally perfect and three things that have gone completely BAD ... so how do you judge a day like that?!? Had a good day?? Had a bad day?? How should I know?!?????
Anyway ... without going into complete detail ... I will try to do this lecture-thing, even though it really really feels like a HUGE deal for me! Ever since I calmed down after first hearing about it, I've always felt like I wanted to do it, even though I can't guarantee that I actually can go through with it.
Naturally, I still don't have that kind of guarantee, if I get a full-scale panic attack five minutes before I'm up, I won't even be able to move, not to mention talk!
Still, something happened yesterday, that actually gave me a ton of motivation for doing this. I won't go into detail, but it was really like I got this super-efficient injection of motivation right in my blood-stream, and I really really really felt like I want to do this and I will do everything in my power and a bit more to make this work out!! I very rarely feel that way, I think I'm pretty much down-to-earth and I don't often let emotions run high (unless it's negative ... ), I often think like, in this case: "Yeah, it would be great if I could do it, but I do have these problems, and I'm not sure if I'll cope even though I will try ... blah, blah, blah" .... This feeling of REALLY wanting to do this, of trying to let go of fears and restrictions and whatnot in order to really make it work ... actually it's a pretty cool feeling!
Well, I have an enormous amount of studying to do before "The Big Day" (which is next Friday ... the 13th!), so I guess I'd better get on that. I still need to get through about 100 pages of English litterature before I can get a few hours sleep!
Wish Me Luck!