Struggling hard with what is about to come right now! Things are definately going up and down, and all I can really say for sure is that I really hope I'll be able to cope on Friday and thank God for Friday afternoon when it's all over!!
I can't just simply wait for Friday afternoon, because if things turn really nasty, and I just can't make the presentation, that will make my life more than miserable. I know it's just one thing and that I'd have to accept it and live with it, but as I'm sure you know, things aren't always that easy in life! Somewhere deep inside of me, despite all the anxiety and fear and terror and horror that I'm feeling, I know that this is the right thing to do at the perfect time!! Circumstances for this next step in my development really couldn't be better: I'm taking a course that I'm really interested in (even if my chapter didn't make that much sense ), there is a small group of students, usually we're not more than eight or ten, and the teacher is super-nice, he knows about my problems, and I'm thinking he won't be to hard on me ... Soooo, circumstances really couldn't be better, which is why I feel I really need to do this ...
I'm still motivated to do it ... that "injection of super-motivation in my blood-stream" I mentioned a few days ago, pretty much works still! That's not to say I'm about to panic about the whole thing though!! At times I feel I've pretty much nailed it down, I think I know most of the stuff etc ... and than the next minute it feels like it's all junk, everything I say/write sound stupid and strange and weird and nobody will understand a single thing ...
It's really very confusing!
I'm meeting my teacher after lectures tomorrow, to sort some stuff out. It got a bit embarrassed tonight though, because I felt like I'd included some unnecessary stuff to my presentation, and needless to say, the less time I have to spend doing it the better! And I really don't think the teacher will bite my head off if I talk for ten instead of fifteen minutes! Anyway, I decided to remove some stuff, and when I had removed them, I realized I almost didn't have any questions for my teacher left ... Oops! I started out with so many questions, I was afraid it'd take forever to sort it out ... then when I removed some stuff I guess it was natural to remove the things I didn't understand, because they seemed less important ... and then I ended up with just a few minor questions! I guess that's a good thing in the end though, at least I won't torture him for hours with my questions, right?
One thing I haven't dealt with at all, are the chapter-reviews we're supposed to be doing ... I've just focused entirely on my chapter, and I have all six reviews left to write (and first I'd have to read the chapter ...) ... oops ... again! I will have some time tomorrow afternoon, but the main part of that will be spent on polishing up my presentation!! I just realized I'm way to used to writing reports and paper, because I can't for the life of me say the words I've written down, they sound totally weird. I guess it'd be okay for a written paper, but not for an oral presentation - so somehow I'll have to re-write it in a more "speak-friendly" version tomorrow when I get home ...
Oh boy, what can I say?! I really really hope that I'll be able to do this, and somewhere deep inside I think it might be possible that I do, and if I really can go through with it - well, I don't think I'll ever experience such a relief again as I will on Friday afternoon when all this will be over!! It's been my complete and utter focus, 99% of the day for over a week now - well, close to it in any case - imagine the feeling when it's finished!!!
Today I've been so wrapped up in focusing on the presentation - and going from nearly insane with fright to fairly hopeful in the process - that I haven't given much thought to my other 'issues'. They're still there unfortunately, but I guess I'd better be happy every time I can get some 'vacation' from them - right?
Well, it's nearly 11 p.m. and I have some work to do left before I try to get some kind of sleep (needless to say, I'm not sleeping very well...) ... I have to be up by 5 a.m. at the latest!
Take care, guys!